HIJIKATA "getting real sick of this shit" toshizou (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
demarcates) wrote2013-08-04 11:00 pm
demarcates) wrote2013-08-04 11:00 pmIC INBOX
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demarcates) wrote2013-08-04 11:00 pm
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[ His words are hoarse now, barely whispered, but he wants to be able to shout them, as though that will drill them into Hijikata’s head somehow and make him believe them. If only it was that easy, he thinks bitterly. ]
Please. Have faith in me. That’s all I can ask of you anymore…
[ Just one last time. ]
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he wants to say no.
but he's stopped because as he lets the words sink in, there is the undeniable nagging that it obviously doesn't matter what he does. if he pushes them away he hurts them and they seem to fare no better (he still wonders if he had been here, if he hadn't lost a day in this place, could he have done something for chizuru and heisuke? no, but it still is going to haunt him because he doesn't know that because he didn't get the chance to try).
slowly, hijikata shifts, moving to straighten. it's not as if he can walk away here considering he's at a dead end in more than one sense. they're not... why them? why all of them, but why them when they wanted so little? ]
...All right.
[ ,this is awful but he can't see a reason to hold onto to keep going this way and neither of them are going to get anywhere. kondou's already broken down, but he's not going to be the first one to leave and hijikata can't so it's... well.
he turns but god he still can't really bring himself to look at him directly even as he heads towards him before finally coming to kneel down in front of him, his eyes closed in slight frustration. ]
...So stop this.
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[ Hijikata doesn't have to say no for Kondou to be able to hear it in his tone anyway, and he just can't keep on fighting for this when he's lost before the battle even truly began. It's difficult to force himself to his feet, but he does so even if there's nothing steady about the way that he holds himself.
Coming here was a mistake, wasn't it? All that it had done was confirm his worst fears, that by letting himself die he'd well and truly lost Hijikata and there was nothing he could do about it. It was his own fault.
Death was far easier to bear than this was. ]
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hijikata tells himself that it should (there's nothing here, there's nothing to gain and this place this fucking place wants to bring every single person he's ever cared about and rip them apart piece by piece in front of him again and again).
he doesn't look even when kondou speaks, doesn't look when he goes to get up but that's fine (he can't do this, he can't keep promising them things and watching those promises crack into pieces as he fails them time and time again—once is enough).
"So that's how it is."
why does he feel like he's just gotten hit by souji all over again? why... why does he feel that souji would hit him again over this, too?
it's not any of that really gets him to do much of anything, but as the other gets to his feet, his haori ends up brushing against hijikata, against the side of his face and suddenly before he himself even realizes he's reached out to grab at it, pulling in a clinging manner to try and get the other to wait.
that... that. he made a mistake getting this close to try and make a point—he thought if he didn't look it'd be fine, but the touch of fabric is just as real as having to look at the other (if not even moreso) and his reaction to grab—to cling for him to not— ]
...Don't. I'm sorry, I... [ he swallows, finding that a hollow request after making such an effort to push him away. but how is he supposed to do that still when he has to acknowledge this person is indeed real, that he's not talking to ghosts, that he's not seeing things, that there's something actually tangible in all of this and not some nightmare he's going to eventually wake up from.
how is he supposed to not be a child and actually push away the one thing he's always wanted more than anything in life and lost it through his own faults...?
his voice is quiet, fingers clutching tighter in the process. ]
...Please don't go where I can't follow.
[ he can't do this. he can't let this happen. not again. not after seeing them die like that. not ever again no matter the circumstances. he's holding something of kondou's in his hand now, and he realizes there's no way he's going to have the ability to follow through with his previous intentions because he's not going to let go. ]
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I already have is the response that he wants to give when Hijikata begs him not to go where he can’t follow, and the thought leaves a bitter taste in his mouth. There’s no way that they can change that now, no matter how much either of them may want to, (and it’s not as though he knows how his friend is feeling, what would he know?).
Kondou knows nothing. Has he simply been deluding himself this whole time? ]
I don’t know what to do anymore, Toshi. I'm the one that can’t make you happy.
[ While he may not be making a move to pull away from Hijikata, Kondou doesn’t make any other move in any other direction either, to do anything else. For all intents and purposes it seems as though he’s frozen on the spot, and that nothing will be able to coax him, to breathe purpose into his soul. Sometimes, it feels as though he’s lost it altogether. This time, he wonders if he ever had it in the first place.
Kondou’s mouth is dry at the thought that Hijikata may have been right after all. Did he truly know his best friend?
His heart screams yes while his gut churns, while it repeats no no no until he’s sick of hearing anymore. ]
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[ happiness, while he wants to see it in others, while he fully believes in the aspect, is never something he sought: because his purpose was what mattered and kondou's dream was the only thing that drove him as far as it did. and through that, working to make that happen along the way, the small things were enough. they were always enough.
chizuru, on the other hand, he wanted happy. kondou, he wanted happy. he wanted them happy because they were good people who wanted to see others happy themselves. and if that was such a intricate part of their lives, didn't they deserve the same opportunity in turn? ]
This is just so. . . I can't stop anything here. [ he can't stop them from dying, he can't make anything move, he has no control to push anything forward or hold something back and that's jarring. and hasn't life just been worthless those past few months without her? she'd been the only reason, he realized, that he hadn't gotten himself killed and the only reason he even survived so long with kondou gone from his world.
...and continuously, as each one of the shinsengumi fell away to their deaths, as well. ]
I left her on the mainland for her own good months ago. [ he's not sure where he's going with this yet, but he feels obligated to say it, like he owes it to kondou to tell him but it's more guilt, more the sudden connection that he left both of them for difference reasons under different circumstances and neither one has panned in their favor. he can't say if he hadn't woken up here again if he'd see chizuru again, but now that's he's here and he watched her die, it doesn't matter. home doesn't matter. here in this place right now is all that matters. ] But then I wake up to this and all I can wonder is why did I ever leave her at all? Why did I leave her after leaving you when this is what happens?
...And I can't think of a good enough answer to rationalize it, anymore. I can't... provide either of you with what I want to be able to, but I also don't want to lose you again. I can't just stand back and watch either of you die all over again.
[ his fingers loosen on the haori, although it's a very slow and trying process. ]
You don't have to do anything. [ he doesn't want kondou to have that responsibility or that burden. he's done enough. too much, and hijikata knows that from hearing him speak and even smelling the lingering blood on his clothes. he wants the others to come first and he wants to help kondou keep them safe. heisuke had said—
...that's right, heisuke had said... ]
I'm not looking for you to do anything—I never have—other than stay with me. Just put up with me so I can keep you near so I don't keep losing you. [ and right now, chizuru's dead and kondou's here—it's like some awful curse they're stuck with dealing with hijikata's problems concerning the other party but he's just so hateful and so upset and he knows he's being contradictory and sending mixed signals and breaking things of kondou's he has no right to and never has wanted to even chip only to reverse and make it seem pointless to have taken a swing in the first place...
...he doesn't know, he doesn't know if he wants to know. he doesn't want kondou to deal with him any more than he did seconds ago which prompted him to be cruel in the first place in hopes of avoiding that extra piece, but it's not working like it should. maybe he's made kondou worse off by doing it like that, maybe he's known this all along and just insisted it was for their own good like he always did with how he treated souji despite the other's protests and pleas and tantrums.
maybe he just has insisted all along that the only reason what he's done is the lesser of the two evils because the other choice was far too self-indulgent to possibly be the better.
all he knows for sure is that without chizuru he can't live without kondou. and, now, there is absolutely no way without him that he can live without her. it's dependent and it's awful and it's shitty selfish needs and desires, but there's... no reason for this, anymore, is there? there's no reason to push them away if that doesn't save them. ]
I'm so tired of losing.
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I… I'm honoured, that you followed me all this way, but I understand that I can’t continue to be selfish with you anymore. Others need you, too. I don’t want you to hold back. There has to be some kind of happiness that you can find. Yukimura… Yukimura, she makes you feel that way, doesn’t she? And it’s hard because here, in this world, she doesn’t remember any of that. So you have to pretend that you don’t want to be happy, while your heart still cries out for the smallest shreds of it.
[ A lot of this is an assumption on Kondou’s part, he knows that, but he still feels fairly confident in his assessment of the situation. His smile grows more wistful, then, and he finds himself kneeling down in front of Hijikata despite his earlier intentions to get up and go. He reaches out for his hand, then, holds onto him tightly to try and reassure him that he’s here, that he’s not going anywhere if he can help it. While he may have run out of chances at home, he knows that he has another one now, right here with Hijikata, and he doesn’t want to lose that. If he doesn’t make the most of it, then he’ll never be able to forgive himself. ]
It’s difficult to stop anything here, that much is true. It makes things difficult, to say the least, but aren’t the Shinsengumi used to these kinds of conditions? If we let ourselves stay down after someone had shoved us, then we never would have made it this far. We’d still be crushed beneath Serizawa’s heel.
[ That too had been a trying time, and in some ways it was different to this, but in others it wasn’t that dissimilar at all. ]
You can’t keep trying to push people away. Only we know what is for our own good, Toshi. Yukimura and I both are particularly stubborn, you should know that by now. If there’s something that we want, then we’re going to go for it, no questions asked. We both want you to be happy. Is it so wrong to be selfish for a change?
[ As much as he wishes that he could say that Hijikata won’t lose him again, that’s a promise that Kondou just can’t make. Instead he thinks that he can give him something close enough, or at least he hopes that it’s enough, because hearing him talk like this breaks his heart in ways that he never would have thought possible. Or should it really be that surprising? It’s Hijikata, he’s held Kondou’s heart in his hand for so long, perhaps it shouldn’t be surprising at all that there’s no one who can affect him this much. The only one is right here, in front of him, asking him not to go anywhere.
What a strange turn of events. It almost makes him smile. ]
Wasn’t I the one just telling you that I needed you? I will stay with you as long as I am able. That, I can promise you. Though now that you’ve told me this, I hope you’re aware of just what you’re getting yourself into, having to be stuck with me. It’s not something that a lot of people can manage.
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he doesn't know—he doesn't think he's ever known but he's never had the chance to be on the receiving end. he's never been the one needing the support (or at least, he's never allowed himself to even if perhaps he may have been one of them that needs it more than any of them) and a part of him just wants to laugh this off, to insist he'll be fine, that of course, kondou is right and hijikata's losing sight and he needs to get his act back together. but, it doesn't come, nothing escapes his mouth even as he tries to swallow before speaking, tries to make some sentence fall into place to be said. if he can't speak, then all he can really do is look up, right? if he can't assure kondou verbally, the very least he can force his selfish ass to do is look up and acknowledge kondou.
it's just that when he does, it seems like that wall crumbling away just collapses now and his heart aches because goddamn it, for kondou is was last week, but for hijikata it seems so long since he's seen him other than in his dreams, other than when his own sanity crawls away into its hole to seek refuge as its slowly being eaten alive as it is. he doesn't realize it and he finds even when his vision distorts from tears before they actually spill that it's hard to recognize what they are.
he didn't cry in front of any of them, not one of them as they left or died in his arms or where he couldn't reach them, but this is perhaps too much after everything else. so he has to look away and again he tries to say something, anything, but nothing falls past his lips except a choked sob.
he's sorry. he's so sorry for this, for not being there when they died, for not being there during the week, for not doing things as he should have been doing them from the start. he's sorry he's spent eight months talking to ghosts, seeking some sort of comfort in his pushing and insistence on what's right for everyone else and that's how it had to be. ...he's sorry his heart hurts so much and that all he can do is cry in front of kondou when kondou needs him and kondou needs him not to be a mess.
yet, he can't do anything but.
( what the hell is going on here? what the hell did they just witness happen to heisuke and chizuru? )
hijikata is aware he can't do this for long, if at all, because they need him to be the one to steady their balance when they waver, but right now, right now all he feels is some terrible mix of despair and relief because he's missed them. he's missed them all but he's missed chizuru and kondou so goddamn much and it's not fair. he doesn't care if kondou can't promise him forever, as long as possible is close enough and he can hope to believe that rather than an indulged slew of words that don't mean anything to him.
his fingers wrap tightly about the other's hand—trying to find some footing that he can latch onto to stop crying that just doesn't seem to be reachable—and he doesn't let go. ]
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[ Some part of him may have been expecting this, which makes it so easy to pull Hijikata into his arms, to hold him tightly and never let him go. Perhaps he’d gone a little too far, but he wanted to be honest with him. The last thing that he had wanted to do was make him cry, but perhaps part of him needed to, to let it all go instead of bottling it all up inside him. For as long as Hijikata will let him, Kondou will hold him close and comfort him. Hopefully that will be for a while, he finds himself thinking, because there’s no rush here. Just the two of them matter right in this moment, in this space. ]
I'll be with you every step of the way.
[ Because he didn’t need to be alone anymore. Because he hadn’t needed to be alone before, truth be told, but Hijikata was always determined to do everything on his own and not let himself lean on anyone else. He had always been the Shinsengumi’s rock, he’d been a better leader than Kondou ever had been, there was no shame in admitting that. This was the man that they needed to lead them, but more than that, they needed him as a friend. Kondou needed him in so many ways that it was difficult to put labels on all of them.
Maybe he’s asking too much of him.
(He always does, doesn’t he?)
But maybe, for once, Kondou doesn’t let himself feel too guilty about that, because it’s just become clear that Hijikata needs them just as much as they need him. ]
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still, he tries. he tries because it's not his place to put this on kondou, he has no right and he's taking too much from the other who is far too willing to give it all to him, and hijikata feels guilty and angry at himself, but absolutely nothing he attempts seems to overpower the vulnerability that is displayed and the weakness in his heart that insists he can hide against the other just a little longer (it's okay, kondou doesn't mind, kondou wants to, so maybe—). though he's silent other than trying to breathe, trying to swallow and failing both and more, it sounds so deafening to someone like him and so foreign he doesn't know what to do with it. hijikata finds the desperate need to apologize for failing to pull it back together rise, but it only bring an anxiousness that self-sabotages the attempts to try harder to do so. it's a vicious cycle and one he sees clearly but can't break.
and being able to see it and know what must be done but having his emotions keep such a hold over him that he has no control to do those things is terrifying to him. he's gotten a good taste of what it's like to be helpless while in zelien and over the months obtained back home, but right here and now—with chizuru and heisuke dead and him dissolving into a wreck over it along with everything to do with kondou (his execution, his absence, his dream that hijikata doesn't know anymore if he managed to preserve and represent or did any right with the shinsengumi at all, his undeniable presence here), it feels as if there has never been a time when he's been more helpless than this. and if he's helpless, he's useless. and if he's useless, he's worthless.
if he's worthless—
there's a small and slow shake of his head against kondou, fingers digging into fabric tighter before he finally manages to say something (how long he's been trying and failing by now he doesn't know), but it's nothing higher than a fragmented whisper between tears and hitches in his breathing. ]
I'm sorry, I. . .
[ he's just sorry (and he's never going to be sorry enough to even begin to make up for anything, but he's still going to be sorry until he somehow does even if it takes beyond a lifetime). ]
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[ To be quite honest, he’s fairly sure that this was necessary a long time ago. By now it was painfully overdue. There’s no need for Hijikata to keep putting up such a brave front for Kondou, of all people. They’ve been through so much together, both the good and the bad. Lately it feels as though it’s been a lot more of the latter, but they can’t afford to let it slow them down, not for very long. There are too many trials ahead of them, with Chizuru and Heisuke’s plight at the top of that list. Now more than ever the Shinsengumi need to be a united front.
But, more than that, Kondou needs to help Hijikata find his balance again. There’s only so many times that he can put on a brave front before it starts to crack, and now it seems as though those cracks are starting to show. The stress from Zelien, the weight of responsibility both from the Shinsengumi and the expectations placed upon him here… there was only so much that one man could do by himself. So many times Hijikata has been the one to support Kondou, to help prop him back up when he started to stumble. Why did the other man think that it was so much of a burden for him to return the favour? Truth be told, Kondou wished that there was more that he could do, but even he knew that there was a limit to such things.
But he can sit here with him and hold him; he can’t see him, but he can guess that he’s crying. He lifts a hand so that he can run his fingers through Hijikata’s hair, knowing that it’s soothed him before and hoping that it will accomplish much the same thing again. His other hand shifts to press against the small of Hijikata’s back, keeping him held against him for as long as he needs the comfort. Kondou isn’t going to let go first. ]
Take as long as you need.
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it's not a bad thing if he lets it happen—if he asks and desires it so very much just this once, is it? to find comfort, to find distraction, to find safety.
he doesn't pull away, not for a while. instead, he gives in to that insistence and declaration, feeling something heavy in his heart at the words to take as long as necessary. it reminds him, now, that he'd said almost the same thing to chizuru here and realizing that seems to take whatever lingering resistance of his to this still present and ease it away. ]
I feel safe with you...
[ it's a quiet admittance, wanting to make it known if only because when chizuru had said the same to him there had been something worthwhile and fulfilling that he'd never thought he needed well inside of him. and for kondou to know that he does the same for hijikata—that he always has been able to—it's... time that he's said it to him, isn't it? it's been too long hoping that kondou can see it, that he can feel it without ever having it be said. he hopes kondou understands it and has despite hijikata's long silence since they've known each other, but it's only been now when he hasn't been able to tell the other such that he's come to see how many things he wanted so badly to be able to say to him that he isn't even sure were ever as clearly felt as he wished for them to be along with the actual knowledge. there were so many things, too many things that were left unsaid and he's regretted never pushing his pride aside to make obvious, just in case. ( . . .because he doesn't fully understand it, but if it can make him feel better to hear it, then surely someone like kondou who strives to do such things and care for those around him unconditionally, would benefit from actually—finally—being acknowledged, right? )
eventually, hijikata's grip starts to loosen, himself sticking to the almost complete silence to mourn and let so much seep out that he's kept locked away for so long he'd forgotten how much they'd hurt to begin with. and through it all, he wishes so desperately for everything to be different than it's unfolded to become, but he still doesn't move to pull away. if anything, with time, he seems to sink against him that much more, his head shifting to rest his cheek to kondou's upper chest, instead. his hand reaches up to gently cup one side of the other's neck as he finally moves to nose his way against and bury his face into that inviting heat of his present at the base of the opposing side, too, seeking the comfort of the warmth of such contact as well as the one from the soft beat of a pulse assuring him that this person is still really here. ]
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[ It’s said fondly, with a hint of amusement in his tone, but truth be told hearing that from Hijikata makes Kondou flustered to a certain extent. Words such as that are what he has always wanted to hear from someone, that he’s done something good for them like that, that he can be the rock that others can lean on when they need to. Instead of Kondou always being the one to rely upon others, it feels refreshing to know that finally, he matters that much to someone else, that he’s helping them in that kind of way.
And to be able to help the person that is the most important in his entire life, well. There’s something about that feeling which makes him feel good inside, a bright spot which will never face no matter how much darkness permeates Zelien and their lives back in their own world.
Having Hijikata rely upon him isn’t a burden at all. And, Kondou is now realising, it’s not always a burden when he needs to lean on someone else either. Sometimes it can be difficult to admit that you need someone, that’s also something that Kondou has learned this week, because it opens you up, leaves you vulnerable, allows someone else to know your weak spots. But if it’s Hijikata who knows them, is that such a bad thing, really? He hopes not. Because if he’s honest with himself, his most important person has known it all since day one, has known where the cracks in his armour were all along and had simply done his best to help try and repair them, to defend them against further damage.
To be that person for Hijikata now isn’t a bad feeling in the slightest. It feels good, in fact, on many levels. Some of which Kondou himself isn’t exactly sure that he can identify. Thinking on it too much won’t get him anywhere, he knows that, and so for the time being he lets it go.
Part of him may have felt before that he could be this kind of support to Hijikata, but likely that part was drowned out by the aspect of himself that believed himself useless, who was so hard on himself and blamed him for everything that had gone wrong with the Shinsengumi since its conception. Hearing those five words, however, made it feel as though the world had changed perspective. Or that Kondou’s world had, at least. That perhaps he wasn’t so useless after all, that he was important to someone, and suddenly that feeling was all that mattered.
Whatever comfort that Hijikata may need, he is more than welcome to take it. Kondou gently rubs at his back as he settles in once again, trying to soothe him as he leans against him and draws strength from him. At the same time his hand is still in his hair, trying to make him feel at ease and continue to rely upon Kondou for whatever he may need. If he wishes to be held for a while like this, then Kondou can and will deliver without a second thought.
Anything. He’d do anything for Hijikata without question, that much Kondou has always known, but all of a sudden it seems to be far more significant than it ever has been before. ]
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he's exhausted, he feels as if it's not possible to feel anything else (and he's felt so much so suddenly when he'd had every intention of suppressing things even further until he was faced with having to lose kondou in addition to chizuru and heisuke) but he's still heartsick and it's not lessening despite (because as much as he's so relieved to be able to tell kondou finally, to be honest and vulnerable in front of him, it only makes everything ache more and more from the letdown of how much has been lost).
...it's fine, though, isn't it? what he is too exhausted to do is try and fight it and somewhere he knows when he comes out of this he'll wonder how he ever fell into such a state, but for now he won't try to question it and instead will just take all he can get from it. which, he is vaguely aware is quite a lot...
his actions are only half-conscious, moving from his nuzzling of the other's neck to pressing his mouth up against the crook of it. it stays simple and innocent; just one slight step closer than his initial actions. but the longer he lingers, his desire to do more evolves—or, no, perhaps not his desire so much as his need and thus his body's willingness to act on it but his want is completely his own. and while his actions accelerate from touching to kissing to licking to eventually actually biting (although not quite the way he normally bites and only nips without breaking the skin), he makes no move to try and get away from the other or change to seek and take control rather than comfort. it is true he's seeking something now, though, with more desperation as time has made it obvious and clear to him that it isn't a simple flicker inside of him that he can ignore and will settle on his own.
hijikata forces himself to stop from getting too carried away, inhaling sharply as he tries to not fall into something blindly and without kondou's permission (even if he knows kondou has no permissions to give, that he'll do whatever hijikata wants him to but that doesn't mean he should just take advantage of that if he can help it, no matter what state he's in). he should apologize for being so presumptuous in his actions, in letting himself go from one thing to the next since, yes, there is safety and comfort in simply being in kondou's arms, but it's not calming the chaos inside of him enough to pull past it. his mind doesn't stop racing and his heart doesn't stop aching and his tears don't stop from falling, so he needs something else. or no, maybe he needs it, but need isn't so much the driving factor for desire this time as much as— ]
—Forgive me. [ please forgive him because this is just going to get worse before it gets better and he'd rather know he's conveniently absolved already before even doing anything. ] But I need something, I [ need too much, he wants to say, so much he's afraid its too much but right now he just needs one thing and he wants it from kondou and he wants it from no one else but him ] need a distraction. I want to forget.
[ at least for now, he wants to. he wants to forget they were just brutally tortured and murdered, he wants to forget about kazama, he wants to forget about zelien, he wants to forget about losing kondou. he wants a distraction from this, he want a distraction from the hurt and the sorrow and he wants it from the person holding him, the person he's whispering his anxious pleas to even though he's vaguely aware he may not understand exactly how he wants it done. ]
Please just help make me forget right now.
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[ That much is true, it always has been; Kondou would do anything in his power for Hijikata, anything without question, especially if there was even the slightest possibility that it would help to make him feel better. But this time, he realises he’s not entirely sure what it is that Hijikata is asking for, and it doesn’t cross his mind that his friend may not understand what he’s asking for either. A distraction, a way to forget – it all sounds so abstract, at least until that first bite comes, and there’s a slight hitch in Kondou’s breathing as the realisation of what he may just need starts to register with him.
Hijikata is upset, they both are, and deep down Kondou knows that this should mean he draws some boundaries, because the last thing that he needs is to wake up in the morning and add this to his ever growing pile of regrets. Hijikata already has more than enough, he thinks, he doesn’t need to add more. But if this can help him, even in the smallest of ways, Kondou knows that he doesn’t want to say no. If he wants to seek out this small thing, to be selfish for once in his life… Is it selfish of Kondou to want to let him? Part of him had been wondering if Hijikata had forgotten how to take things for himself, but the proof that he hadn’t was right here in front of Kondou. ]
There’s nothing to forgive. I'm happy to give you anything that I am able to, you know that.
[ Which means that Hijikata can take anything, get away with whatever he wants, whatever he needs; Kondou doesn’t mind. There are no boundaries set, there never really has been between the two of them, if he’s completely honest with himself. There’s never been a reason for them, and there still isn’t now, even after taking the circumstances into consideration. It’s obvious in the way that he doesn’t pull away, even if others might have, knowing that letting their emotions get away from them was a bad idea.
Maybe, for once, it’s one of the few things that they should actually let themselves do. ]
Anything that you need…
[ He’ll give it to him. Which means dipping his head so that he can press a kiss to the top of Hijikata’s head, hoping to soothe him as much as encourage him to take whatever he needs from Kondou. ]
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. . .he'll what?
his hands reach up to carefully take hold of kondou's face on either side at his cheeks, tilting his own head up enough to be able to pause only long enough to look at him for confirmed consent, making sure that nothing exists in those eyes suggesting that whatever he's about to do is anything else but okay even if they both don't seem all that positive of what's actually unfolding to be able to judge one way or the other. nevertheless, whatever it is, it's apparently going to start with keeping kondou's attention and holding his mouth captive as he tugs him just a little closer to be able to press his mouth up against the other's.
(it's okay; it's okay as long as he doesn't hurt kondou, as long as kondou is not unhappy with it because if kondou is all right with it, maybe he can just pretend for a little bit that everything is nothing and things aren't a chaotic and seemingly unfixable mess. it's okay because kondou means more to him than everything and if he means something—anything—to the other then surely—) ]
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Hijikata may be a mess, but doesn’t that make two of them? That in itself may be something to be scared of, if they weren’t already accustomed to being like this. Being screwed up is a way of life in the Shinsengumi, easier to adjust to than the way of the sword.
There’s no doubt whatsoever in Kondou’s eyes – no, just that hardheaded determination as always. Even this situation hasn’t changed that. He won’t budge, he never does. Especially not when it comes to giving Hijikata something that he seems to need so badly (and he’s still not entirely sure just what it is that he actually needs. He just knows that whatever it is, he wants to give it). Which means that it doesn’t take much for him to lean in and meet Hijikata halfway, though he lets him take control.
Kondou isn’t unhappy, not by a long shot. He’s happy, not least of all because he can help Hijikata, but he’s not going to tell him that. Things are chaotic, and he’s not entirely sure if it’s all fixable. It’s definitely a mess. But perhaps this is something that they can make sense of. ]
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(he never said it, he never did any of it and he always thought they'd be there together at the very end and it wouldn't matter because he could tell him then if it mattered)
a tingle of anxious anticipation flushes through his cheeks as his sighs against his lips, the idea that he does need to satiate a blood lust somewhere in his mind, but for whatever reason the desire to draw blood is far too small and unimportant compared to foregoing the metallic taste in favor of kondou's mouth alone. more than his blood, he wants kondou. he wants kondou more than anything right now and while emotions are high-strung and he's doubly influenced by multiple situational circumstances making him unable to resist acting, hijikata is well aware that his wants stem from opportunity lost. he has so much to tell him, so much to do to him and he never got the chance before...
so what does he do from here...?
he takes advantage, that's what he does. it's the most convenient of distractions and one he can slip into readily because it involves this person. he can show kondou what he means to him, that just like kondou is willing to give up everything for hijikata without boundaries, hijikata is willing to take every last ounce of it now without those boundaries preventing him from doing so in order to demonstrate. he'll do whatever is necessary to make kondou feel good, to know he's loved, to know he's so important and he can't let this go because of respect, not with everything that just happened and not when he's lost chizuru without telling her things he should have said to her as well. twice is two times too many for him to have to learn this lesson.
( even just kissing him is done with the gentlest care he can muster right now in the overwhelmingly obvious desperation present in the action to begin with. it's a coping mechanism, but it would be hard to ignore that there is a real double-edge to it: he doesn't have to be gentle and he knows quite well if he's not gentle perhaps that would be even more distracting for the both of them. and maybe it'll get there, maybe he'll just have to drown in it eventually because it's been too long. until that arises, however, he'll make the best of efforts to simply be affectionate without acting to bite or touch with the intent to draw blood from the other, opening his mouth to nip at kondou's upper lip without breaking contact before pressing his tongue up to soothe the agitation.
if he's going to be given control, to assume he's going to use it without provoking something from the other would be a poor judgment call. it shouldn't be too surprising, but he wouldn't be surprised if kondou has no idea, either, considering his friend's obliviousness at times. either way, if he's going to bother—when he bothers to do it to anyone at all— hijikata's fairly confident he can seduce the other far sooner than by the time he actually sinks his teeth into him.)
he knows right now kondou doesn't need hijikata to be respectful and deny him—them—anything.
. . .because he's going to worship him, instead, by giving him it all, anyway. ]
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If anything, knowing what Hijikata needs from him now only makes him all the more determined to see all of this through. Not that he thought he could be more determined than he was already at this stage, but apparently further encouragement only serves to help all the more.
Still, he’s anxious too, because there’s a very fine line between being willing and being overeager, and Kondou doesn’t want to do anything to upset what feels like a very delicate balance between the two of them at the moment. Of course, by now that doesn’t end up stopping him. While he’s content to keep the kisses gentle, that doesn’t mean that they aren’t full of passion; despite the circumstances, he can’t seem to restrain himself. Or perhaps it’s because of them that he feels the need to let go for once.
It’s actually almost embarrassing the enthusiasm with which Kondou leans in and presses himself against Hijikata as much as he possibly can, his hands sliding to his waist so that he can keep him pinned in place. Not that he thinks he needs much convincing, at this point, but it never hurts. They’ve never kissed quite like this before, Kondou realises as he brushes his tongue against Hijikata’s own briefly, enjoying the thrill that it sends right through him. It’s always been chaste, or a prelude to helping with the bloodlust, and all of those are fine – but this is different. The feeling that it gives him makes him want to surrender, and he does in some respects, though he’s not going to give up the fight entirely.
Gentle though they may be at the moment, he knows it may well escalate. Often it does, with the two of them. Neither of them know how to keep anything simple, though for the most part it serves them well. That too he is prepared for, it’s simply part of the overall decision that he had made when Hijikata had asked this of him in the first place. It feels good when that nip comes, and the small, sharp gasp that follows from Kondou is a pleased one. If that in itself wasn’t enough of an indication, he parts his lips to allow him better access, to encourage him to keep going on in the same vein.
While he may be more than happy to give up control to Hijikata, by no means does it guarantee that Kondou is going to sit back and do nothing. Oh, no, quite the opposite, in fact – but he’s sure that they’re both prepared for that eventuality. It’s hardly new information by this point in time. ]
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Hijikata had been sure Kondou wouldn't deny him but the passion of his responses is hard for even Hijikata to miss. for a brief moment, he's surprised, but any hesitance that may have ensued from the confusion to follow is pushed away when he feels the other press against him and his hands fall to his waist.
but, it's the touch of Kondou's tongue against his own that really push decisions further along so that by the time he hears that gasp from him and being given easier access to his mouth, Hijikata's more than happy (and willing) to proceed. the heat is perhaps a little too inviting, but he doesn't care as his fingers finally move, too, slipping back to wrap around the other's head, sinking into his hair and aiming to keep him ensnared by his lips that much longer. he's waited too long, there's so much to demonstrate without ever speaking a word of it; he just wants to hear every gasp, every hitch, every moan he can possibly pull out of the other and pretend the only thing that matters is to continuously please this most important person.
(and it is in this moment all that matters because nothing else exists right now and he's going to force it all away for Kondou if it dares try to do otherwise and Hijikata will continue to kiss him until he finally has to break the contact for the sake of breathing.)
he doesn't open his eyes when he has to catch his breath, turning his head down and to one side as he does, feeling the slow burn in his cheeks only rise and he entangles his fingers further into his friend's dark hair hoping with some awful sense of guilty pleasure that he won't mind being accosted for more as it's the only thing he can suddenly see himself doing to him next next. ]
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He has no desire to break away until Hijikata feels the need to, wanting him to take control, take whatever he needs from him. When the kiss is broken, one hand lifts so that he can slide his fingers into Hijikata’s hair, massaging gently at his scalp while they both catch their breath. They both need it for a number of reasons, not least of all because that was intense, and Kondou is still feeling amazingly flustered from the initial contact. He’s not sure that the blush on his face will ever go away, at this point, and the fact that he’s still holding Hijikata tightly against himself makes it impossible to forget just what they’re getting up to here.
Now he already finds himself wanting more, and that’s dangerous, but there’s nothing that can be done about that now. It’s not his call. He doesn’t know how to ask for something like this selfishly. ]
i rly wish I could say this is drunk shamelessness but i'm not drunk erk
a small, slightly frustrated and conflicted huff escapes his throat as he finally breaks contact to catch his breath again as well as gain his senses. the first is probable, but the latter he's not so sure is possible no matter how much time he gives himself and even when he can finally muster the strength to speak without his voice breaking in two all over again, it's a little more afraid than he'd like and he hates to think that he's that fearful of himself that he can't even keep his emotions of such in check while trying to distract himself from a reality he doesn't want to admit exists.
dead ends everywhere no matter which way he turns. ]
If...If I keep going, you know what I'm going to do to you, don't you...?
[ hijikata would like to think kondou is completely aware of what he's getting himself into, but the truth is he's not so sure even he himself knows exactly what he's going to do to him if he's allowed to keep going
(...except he does, he knows this desire and what tames it and he wants to take every last inch of the person beneath his fingertips and under the heat of his mouth and make them his no matter the cost because denying himself has done nothing and he's tired of it when being selfish seems to offer so much more pleasure and less heartache.) ]
Kondou-san, please stop me—
[ but the rest of his words aren't able to be pulled from his mouth before he can't control himself and he needs to touch his skin again, to nip and bite gently but with lusting purpose before taking in patches to suck on as if his life depended on such.
please stop him ( it's a good excuse, it's easier to put the responsibility on someone else now and he shouldn't but he's going to and he knows he should care more that he's doing so than he does )... unless, of course, it's what he really wants, as well, then please don't stop him at all. ]
it's okay we can be shameless together
But Kondou is struggling to do the right thing, to pull back before this goes any further. If there’s one thing that he doesn’t want, it’s for Hijikata to end up regretting this, to wake up in the morning after the frenzy of emotions has subsided only to find out that he’d done the wrong thing and that there was no taking it back now. But part of him hopes that, whatever he means by going forward, (he thinks that he may have some idea of what Hijikata is getting at, Kondou knows what he’s hoping for, but there’s no way to know for sure) that he wouldn’t regret it.
In the face of that, it becomes rather difficult for him to remember what he should be doing, especially when he can give in and do what he wants to, too. It’s too easy enough to justify to himself, especially when he’s fairly sure that there will be nothing to regret in the morning. That letting Hijikata indulge in whatever it is that he needs is the right decision, that he couldn’t possibly regret it for that alone. Not to mention the other factors at play here, as well.
For his part, right now he’s staying as still as he possibly can, letting him take what he needs without interfering too much. His hand stays in Hijikata’s hair, rubbing gently at his scalp to either soothe or encourage him, at this point he can’t tell which. His breathing has become uneven, and sometimes there are even small hitches when Hijikata touches him in a particular way, especially when he nips at him. It reminds him of when they’ve done this several times before; it’s hard to forget, but it puts him in a particular mood that even he can’t shake. ]
… I'm not sure that I can stop you, Toshi. I want you to take whatever you need. There’s nothing wrong with us being selfish, just this once.
[ If there was, then they’d both be in the same position, wouldn’t they? Whether it’s undesirable or not, well – that may depend on who you talk to. But from where Kondou’s sitting, this really isn’t looking so bad. Even if he should know better. It’s easy to silence those voices at a time like this. ]
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hijikata should focus on that first part, that kondou's uncertain as is, and that those sounds being pulled from him are just all the more reason to address that and try to get a hold of himself in place. but, instead, his mind gets caught on the latter ones—what kondou wants and that being selfish isn't addressed towards him singularly. he's not sure, it's hard to tell with kondou where the line crosses from one type of love to another... if there's even a line at all. he doesn't know if he's doing this because he's his friend, because hijikata said things to him in the cavern, or because of something that perhaps the other had afterall hinted to down there himself. maybe it's a little of each, maybe none at all.
and maybe it's better he doesn't think on it because he realizes there's no one answer he desires as they all bring some awful sickening nausea to him. yes, hijikata wants kondou to know before he can't ever bring himself to let him know and he loses him again (he can't, he can't stand to even think about that but it's still there unconsciously—) but by no means does he feel he has the strength to know of what he lost. he's lost more than he could ever have hoped to stand even in his most colorful imaginations; he doesn't know what he could do with the knowledge of all the more.
just this once, then...?
his shoulders tighten, teeth clenching as he breathes out in a light hiss, the heat of his breath frosting over the skin his mouth has left damp and soon to be sticky in red.
still, hijikata swallows one desire hard in exchange for another, shifting his weight on his knees to lean harder against kondou to nudge him back away from him. and he goes to pull away in the opposite direction, except he never gets that far if his intention is to untangle from the other, going to kiss him on the lips again before using that contact to shove him back until kondou hits the wall somewhere around just below his shoulder blades instead of the floor, one hand moving to catch himself against the wall over his shoulder while the other presses to the ground to keep his balance and never once breaking contact with his mouth.
he doesn't...
...know much of anything other than he just wants to take something that he wants for once in his life and he's been given some sort of loopholed green-light from the only person he needs one from. ]